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" How To Install Software-A 12-Step Program " by Dave Barry from his new book " Dave Barry In Cyberspace "

1.	Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that explains 
        what kind of computer system you need to run the software. It should look something 
        like this: 
          628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
          719.7 GB FREE DISK SPACE
          3546 MB RAM
          432323 MB ROM
          05948737 MB RPM
          2 TURTLE DOVES
          NOTE: This software will not work on your computer. 

2.	Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain 
        detailed instructions on installing, operating, and troubleshooting the software. 
        Throw it away. 

3.	Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a 3.5-inch floppy diskette 
        or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope that says:
By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the terms and conditions of the 
following agreement that nobody ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and 
the Secret Membership Oath of the benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and such other terms and
 conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, 
including the right to come to the user's home and examine the user's hard drive, as well as the 
user's underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do us part, one nation 
indivisible,by dawn's early light,...finders keepers, losers weepers, thanks you've been a great 
crowd, and don't forget to tip your servers. 

4.	Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, " 
        (Name of child), please install this on my computer. " 

5.	If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the appropriate drive, 
        type " SETUP " and press the Enter key. 

6.	Turn the computer on, you idiot.

7.	Once again type " SETUP " and press the Enter key.

8.	You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which the following message
        should appear on your screen: 

          The Installation Program will now examine your system to see 
          what would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you? 
Choose one, and be honest: 

+-------+	+--------+
 | YES |	| SURE |
+-------+	+--------+

9.	After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring for a very long time while
        the installation program does God knows what in there. Some installation programs can actually
        alter molecular structures, so that when they're done, your computer has been transformed into 
        an entirely new device,  such as a food processor. At the very least, the installation program 
        will create many new directories, sub-directories, sub-sub-directories on your hard drive and 
        fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like " puree.exe, " " fester.dat, " 
        and " doo.wha. " 

10.	When the installation program is finished, your screen should display the following message:

          The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your computer and has grown 
          bored. You may now attempt to run your software. If you experience any problems, electrical 
          shocks, insomnia, shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you should 
          immediately *!@!$)$%@&*^^ )$*!#$_$*^^&.

11.	At this point your computer system should become less functional than the federal government, 
        refusing to respond even when struck with furniture.

12.	Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on the package and wait on the line 
        for a representative, who will explain to you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a 
        child aged 3 through 12.